David Crocker has been invited to a Hanukkah party by his friend Josiah Einstien. While there, he makes friends with Josiah’s sister, Eliza. Josiah is getting progressively drunk, and has David worried, especially after he collides with one of the catering staff. David decides it’s time for his pal to sober up, but first, he wants to find out why Josiah is so upset.
Grabbing Josiah by the lapel, I led him to the secluded corner, where I’d been sitting with his sister.
“What’s up with you? I’ve never seen you this wasted.”
“Aria broke up with me.”
“Today? On Hanukkah? What the hell?”
Sitting awkwardly, he waved his hands. “No idea. Called me as I was on the way to pick her up, and said she wanted a break. What does that even mean? How do you take a break from another person? Does it mean we’ve got a chance?” Clutching my jacket, he begged me with his eyes.
“No. It’s chicken-shit speech for someone who hasn’t got the balls to end a relationship. I didn’t like her, anyway,” I said somewhat more hostilely than I intended. “She wasn’t the girl for you.”
“Maybe not, but my parents liked her. And she gave me sex.” He shrugged.
“She was a frigid bitch who was after Daddy’s money.” Eliza had reappeared sometime during the conversation.
Standing, I gave her my chair.
“Just what I was about to say,” I said. “Sometimes, being a financially challenged gentile has its advantages.”
Her dark eyes flashed at me. I wasn’t sure if she was angry or surprised. Could have been either, or not. I was really feeling that last drink.
“You’re not financially challenged,” Josiah stated.
“But I’m not as rich as your dad.”
“No one is as rich as our father,” Eliza replied, smiling at me. “As to being a gentile, that can change.”
“At least you’re circumcised,” Josiah added.
“Unnecessary!” I yelped, putting a hand over my groin. “And how do you know one way or the other? Not like we’ve compared,” I told Eliza, whose coffee colored gaze had locked on my zipper with even more delight.
“You told me.”
He shrugged. “I assumed. Most boys are, before they leave the hospital.”
“This conversation is surreal,” I whispered, running a hand through my hair. “I need some air. You,” I pointed to Jos. “You need to sober up. Come on.” Tugging his arm, I made him stand up. “Eliza, my lovely, could you help me find some coffee?”
“Certainly, David.” Standing gracefully, she led me to the kitchen.
Taking a seat at the table, we each got a cup of coffee. Josiah stared at his, until I forced it into him. Eliza sipped hers delicately, and I got most of mine on my tie. Samantha was working in the kitchen. She took my tie, cleaned it, and brought it back with a smile. All this happened in a hazy daze. I was really reacting to the alcohol far more than I usually do. Even after the amazing meal, I could feel it working its way into my brain.
Coffee consumed, I dragged Josiah outside. The back of the house had a massive deck, overlooking a pool. Though it was December, it glittered invitingly, a curl of steam coming off the water. Eliza slipped off her shoes, crooking her finger at me. Lowering Josiah into a chair, I followed her. Hitching up her dress, she settled by the pool, dangling her legs in the water. Scrambling out of my socks and shoes, I rolled up my pants and sat next to her.
The kiss I’d been hoping for, landed softly on my lips. Eliza smelled amazing, a sexy, expensive perfume, which wrapped around me in an exotic cloud. She tasted as good as she smelled, and felt even better in my arms. Had there been a handy bed, I’d have carried her to it. Since none presented itself, I feasted on her face, throat and cleavage. This last was presented like a fabulous gift. Arching her back, she raised her magnificent breasts to my hungry lips. Bed or not, I was ready to ravage the woman, when something hit the back wall of the yard.
A hail of objects followed, along with a warbling howl. Startled from our sexual appreciation of one another, neither of us reacted terribly quickly. Josiah, however, leaped to his feet with a raspy cry.
“The fuck?” he bellowed.
Another assault followed. It sounded like someone was hammering on it—maybe more than one someone. Another horrific warble followed, this time on multiple pitches. Hopping up, I gave Eliza a hand. Grabbing my phone, I lit the flashlight and went to inspect. Josiah came with me, his light also on. Standing on a wrought iron chair, I peeped over the fence. Josiah perched on another. As our lights illuminated the street behind us, the warble became a roar. Leaping back in horror, arms flailing, we dropped off the chairs.
“Inside!” I bellowed.
“What’s going on?” Eliza picked her way across the yard as another howl rose.
“Inside!” I yelled again.
Grabbing her arm, I dragged her to where our shoes were. Picking them up, I hauled her back into the house.
“Lock the doors!” I hollered. “Board up the windows!”
“What’s going on?” Reuben cried angrily. “Josiah, explain!”
My friend locked the door behind him, closing the drapes. “Do what he says, Dad.”
“What the hell is going on?” his mother asked.
Multiple howls rose from all around the property, chilling us to the bone.
“Zombies,” I whispered hoarsely. “Dozens of them. We’re surrounded.”
Read Happy Zombikah in its entirety in Ashtrays and Jawbreakers holiday edition.