Admittedly, many of my characters are extremely sarcastic. I’m sorry (well, not really) they are related to me, after all. It can’t be avoided, surpassed or denied. I’m not ashamed of their scathing wit and sarcastic communication. In fact, I like it. I feel at home there.
One of the most sarcastic of all my characters is Wil VanLipsig, the Lone Wolf. Wil is a genetically enhanced Galactic Marine. Although he is 86 years old when Lone Wolf begins, he doesn’t look a day over 30. The doctors on the enhancement team had tried to extend the life span of the Marines. Instead, they stopped the clock. That’s not to say that he can’t be killed, but he’ll make a very youthful corpse.
I can’t even talk about Wil without being sarcastic. See what he does to me? It’s his fault, I promise you. I’m not nearly as sarcastic as he. Then again, I’m not nearly as old and jaded as he is, either. He’s seen a lot in his long life, most of it horrible. He knows the evil that men do, he’s been on the receiving, as well as the giving, end of that all too often. He is either hero or villain, depending upon ones perspective.
In any case, I digress, which I’m wont to do when I speak of Wil. He is one of my favorite characters. I won’t say the most, I don’t want to be accused of favoritism. It will make the other characters angry if I extol his virtues without mentioning his faults.
Perhaps a few snippets of dialogue will better illustrate the relationship I have with him, and he has with others.
“Could you maybe?” Wil gestured to the point of her weapon, motioning down.
Lowering the barrel, Matilda kept her eyes on him. “Colonel VanLipsig, I’m required to quote you Guild Regulation 516 A, which states….”
“I know what the hell it states, Commander. Let’s pretend you quoted to me about unprovoked attacks on a fellow Guild member. Only he started it and I’m not Guild. I just transport stuff.”
“Why?” she demanded.
“Cause I’m nice.” His tone was petulant, his stare defiant.
“And damn well paid,” Marc added, his voice harsh and raw.
“Yeah, well that….” Wil said with an offhand shrug. “Look, I’ve been out deep for awhile. A man gets pretty lonely out there all alone. You’re the first woman I’ve seen since I left Aolani six months ago. Damn, you’re fine! I bet you have men panting after you all the time.”
“Not really,” she lied. This was a trick to get her off guard and she knew it. “I very much doubt Captain Slatterly would react so heatedly just because you were trying to seduce me.” She flashed a cocky grin.
Wil paused, gazing at Marc appraisingly. His expression changed to a stony-edged glare. “I dunno, it was over a woman last time too, wasn’t it, Marc?”
“I’ve never been able to compete with that thing you do.” Marc wiggled his fingers by his head.
“Believe me, Marc. I didn’t do the thing.” Wil imitated Marc’s gesture unconsciously, then hesitated, hating to admit the truth. “Well, I tried, but it didn’t work.” He held up both hands as if Marc pulled a gun on him.
“How could it not work?” Marc was incredulous. “I know the pheromone touch when I see it!”
“I did the touch, I let her get my scent. She felt it, but shook it off somehow.”
“Are you sure?”
Wil gave him a patient look. “She pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill me. Yeah. It worked.”
“Then why is she with you and not with me?”
“My magnetic personality.” Wil chuckled as Marc grimaced.
Gone But Not Forgotten – A Lone Wolf Tale:
“Drink this,” the doctor commanded. He handed Wil a large thermal bottle of cold liquid. It was roughly two liters of fluid.
“All of it?”
The doctor nodded, not taking his eyes off Matilda.
“Think of it as a really big shooter. You’re losing a lot of fluid, that replaces it.”
Sighing resignedly, Wil picked up the bottle and drank. In disgust, he spewed, wiping his lips roughly with the back of his hand. “This tastes like lizard piss!”
“You’re an expert on flavors? You’ve sampled some lizard piss, have you?”
“Yeah, as a matter of fact, I have,” he replied testily.
The doctor shrugged. “Chug it, won’t taste it as long.”
“Thanks, you’re a real saint.”
I could go on and on, but I wouldn’t have any good quotes to share next time – or the time after, or the time after that…. Okay, you get the idea. You probably noticed that Wil isn’t the only sarcastic one present. I think he actually brings that out in other people. Maybe it’s part of his magnetic personality?
© 2017 Dellani Oakes