It was as windy as if Hurricane Isaac was blowing through town. I was on a stake out waiting for my FTA (failure to appear) not only was he late getting home from work. He was late in every sense of the word as I would soon discover.
My name is Big Mama Mary and I am the toughest bounty hunter this side of Death valley. My rack and my attitude are about the same size, extra-large. Tonight I am training a newb named Pam that Uncle Lenny said she would benefit from my experience. Hours ticked by and I suggested we go and raid the joint. Pam wasn’t sure this was a great idea so I suggested she put on her big girl panties and get with the effing program. She didn’t like my level of language either. Well tough cow patties baby girl.
The rain was pelting down like the stream of a large horse relieving himself. Both Pam and myself were soaked as we got to Phil the philanderers door. We knocked but there was obviously no answer. I tried the door knob but it gave way easily and we stepped into the hallway. Right away I could tell something was very wrong it smelled rotten. Worse than a pulp and paper mill in fact and that is hard to beat, except dead bodies of course. That’s when I realized Phil had met a dirty end.
The stench was coming from the bathroom at the back of the house. I knew this because I have had to collect Phil or one of his spawn before.
Pam was shivering and it wasn’t from the weather. It was like she had seen the ghost from Death Valley.
We found what was left of Phil. His blood pooled around his head and was the colour of magenta. I heard Pam gag and before I knew it she had tossed her cookies all over the victim.
“Oh God!” I exclaimed. You little wimp, You just contaminated the scene. ”
“Sorry M-m-mary it’s my first dead body. I don’t handle dead well or blood. His face looks like raw hamburger. Gross!”
I softened just a titch, remembering my first dead guy when on the force. My boss Greg never let me forget it. What a mensch!
“Listen Pam go into the living room and pull it together. I have to call this in. I warn you now that you will hear fouler language than even I can use.
“Am I in trouble?”
“Seriously? You just yakked on a dead body. They won’t be singing hallelujahs!”
Detective Greg Schiller and his partner John Beck came in along with the forensics team. I showed them where what was left of Phil was sprawled on the bathroom.
Greg looked at the body and then at me. “Please tell me you did not hurl on the vic.”
I gave him a steely look and vowed that it was Pam who had lost her cookies. “Look detective, sir she’s new at this. We had the job of coming to collect his sorry ass for bounty and this is what we found. The door was open but I nudged it with my elbow. I know the rules about preserving the scene. You taught me well.” I know I was schmoozing big time but tough luck not all of us have cast iron stomachs.
Greg looked at me that said maybe being a math teacher would have been a better career choice for him. Police work is not for sissies and maybe I should try and toughen Pam out. “I told the girl, you wouldn’t be happy but cut her some slack. Don’t be such a hard ass!”
I garnered a filthy look for that and knew if I had been under his command he would have written me up for just being uppity.
“Fine” he replied. He and John were looking at Phil trying to surmise what had done that to him. I honestly didn’t think any human could have inflicted that much damage. Then again Jeffrey Dahmer was supposedly a nice guy too.
The crime scene techs were bagging tagging and dusting for prints. I stayed out of their way and went to check on Pam. She looked better but still felt horrible about losing her lunch. I told her too suck it up and that these things happen.
“Not all of our FTA’s turn out like poor Phil.”
Pam nodded “Poor guy looked like some one ran his head through a meat grinder. That will haunt my dreams for weeks.”
Listen we can’t collect this one so when we’re done here go home and have a nice soak and some scotch straight up. You’ll sleep like a baby. We can start in on a new list tomorrow. I won’t tell Uncle Lenny if you don’t.”
“Hear what?” Pam chuckled.
“Atta girl! This will be a story to scare the grandkids with one day.”
The meat wagon had arrived and they were preparing the body for the morgue. Greg and John had given us the nod that we could leave. He didn’t even say anything derogatory to Pam so I supposed he listened to me after all. Pam and I left for the office to tell Lenny that our capture was uncollectable. He would be pissed.